Many kiddos are heading back to school in the next few weeks. Hopefully your child is excited, but he may be apprehensive, worried or plain fearful of the new changes that await him. If you are watching your child struggle, you may be floundering a bit yourself. As a parent, there are a number of things you can do to ease your child (and you!) through this transition:

1) Recognize fears and anxieties when they occur.

There are kids who are very open about what worries them and are comfortable talking about it. However, many children may not even recognize their feelings or be able to pin point the cause or trigger. If this is the case, it can be a bit trickier. Things to look for are:

• Mood changes when the topic of school is brought up
• Avoidance of the topic of school
• Somatic symptoms: tummy hurting, diarrhea, throwing up, headache; These symptoms could be a sign medical attention is needed and you should take those precautions; however, be aware that somatic symptoms can signify stress and/or anxiety
• Anger outbursts
• Selective quietness, shyness
• A negative attitude about things and activities that usually bring your child joy

2) Give credence to your child’s feelings.

As an adult, it can be easy to minimize your child’s fears. You are further along on the journey of life and you know the path can be full of scary things…much scarier than this (and you are right). However, dealing with today’s anxieties in a healthy way, is great practice for conquering tomorrow’s. Right now, your child needs to know however they are feeling is okay. Before you start problem solving or trying to “help” them – take time to pause. Sit with them in that negative place for a minute and let them know it’s okay to feel scared. Sending a validating message can create emotional relief for your child because she perceives someone understands her feelings and isn’t going to judge her. When you take over and solve the anxiety for your child, there might be an immediate sense of relief, but your child suffers a negative message (that they can’t do it but you can). This communication (overt or covert in nature) can bring a helpless feeling and is counter to the independence you hope your child is slowly establishing over time.

3) Calm down your own anxieties.

I don’t know a single parent (at least any still reading this post) who likes to see their child worried, upset or hurting. Our first instinct is to step in and solve the issue in some way. This may not be the best first option (unless your child is in danger). Your child needs to practice working through times of fear and anxiety. Just like any skill, the more they practice, the better they will become at calming down and dealing with their feelings. When you calm down your anxieties, you are better able to validate your child’s feelings and then walk with them through their issue. This sends a very empowering message to your child. You are believing in them and they can sense it.

4) Brainstorm helpful strategies with your child.

Many of us are not actively taught how to calm down emotions or work through feelings in a healthy way. We learn by watching our families deal (or not deal) with their feelings. There are healthy ways to calm ourselves down (and I’m sure you would like to pass these along to your child). If you are at a loss on ideas, you could perform an internet search for “healthy ways to calm down anxiety” and it would produce hundreds. Some people like to count, breath, pray, look at a picture, use imagery, or listen to something soothing. Brainstorm with your child about what helps them feel calm and how he can incorporate those into times when fears start to well up.

5) Have your child name their fears.

Many times, the simple act of naming fears and listing them can be very helpful. Once the thoughts are out of her head, they are much more manageable. It is important neither you nor your child judge the fears. No fear is too small or too silly to name. This is also a good time to notice the anxieties one might have some control over (For example, if my child has fear about an upcoming test. There is something she could do to help herself out – study!) and those one has absolutely no control over.

6) Empower your child.

Your child needs to know that even though anxieties can be scary, he can learn to be in charge of his feelings. Once your child knows he is the boss…things seem far more manageable. I had one couple I was counseling creatively tackle this issue with their daughter by naming her the “sheriff” of her fears. They made her a badge and empowered her to be in charge of her anxieties.

7) Set your child up with reasonable expectations.

Your child is going to have anxieties and fears – their whole lives (unfortunately). We all do. None of the strategies listed here are ways to avoid anxiety. These strategies are meant to manage the anxiety more effectively. Having anxiety is not a sign of failure. The message to your child is that she must keep practicing. The better your child gets at managing anxiety – this is a signal of well-earned success!