This  is definitely worth 20 minutes of your time. Love this TED talk by Brene Brown.

Is it just me or is vulnerability everywhere? Of course, I am speaking of the word – not necessarily the action. I keep hearing the word, vulnerable; so, either this recurrence is a signal to me of what I need to work on in my personal life (and it is!) or evidence that our cultural awareness of vulnerability is increasing (probably true too). Even with increased consciousness, we may not be noticing the every day opportunities for vulnerability in our lives.

By definition, being vulnerable is being capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. It can also look like being open to moral attack or criticism. When I first heard Brene’ Brown’s TED talk on ‘The Power of Vulnerability’, it resonated so clearly within me. It felt as though she was speaking directly to me. I just knew Brene’ and I were destined to be best of friends because she obviously got me. I must not have been the only one, as that particular TED talk has now been viewed close to 4 million times.

Knowing about vulnerability and its importance and putting it into practice are two very different things. Admittedly, I talk with my clients on a regular basis about the need and struggle to be open to exposure (and possible hurts) in relationships, forgiveness, new experiences and growth areas. However, I personally struggle with opening myself up and being vulnerable. I don’t venture out of my comfort zone as much as I could. On the flip side, there have been times I have purposefully tried to be more vulnerable with friends, family or church members, and it seemed my listeners may have been slightly uncomfortable with the idea of vulnerability as well. Many of them instantly went into “fix it” mode. With awareness of my own struggles, I can definitely have grace for this, but it doesn’t produce eagerness within me to try it again. Vulnerability isn’t brokenness that needs to be fixed. It isn’t a state of being that needs apology. It is being real about our hopes, dreams and personal struggles. Instead of running from the uncomfortable feelings generated by such realness, we deal with those feelings in a way that promotes personal growth.

I ask my kids to express vulnerability frequently. Whether they are entirely comfortable with it or not, they are encouraged to make new friends, go to a new school, a new classroom and/or try new hobbies and sports. I use to do more of that myself, but when did it stop? Why did it stop? Had I decided living in my comfort bubble was my life long dream or had I given up on dreams for the sake of safety?

I was already pondering this idea when I was fortunate enough to hear Trevor Ragan speak at my kids’ school this week. Mr. Ragan of trainugly.com was, no kidding, speaking about this very topic and how we can use it to influence our children’s learning. (I told you I’m hearing it everywhere!) You should check out Mr. Ragan’s website and the work he does not just with schools but famous athletes and corporations. His message (in a nutshell)– to exponentially move forward, humans need a growth mindset. With a growth mindset, we care more about our own growth, development and improvement than how we look to others. Within this way of living, one will encounter moments of vulnerability because growing and learning can be “ugly”. We won’t have it all figured out, we will make mistakes and we will probably encounter the “f” word a few times…failure.

Another interesting point highlighted by Trevor Ragan’s work was how one might, over time, develop a more fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. When we praise our kids for their results and achievements instead of their efforts – we set them up to be afraid of not receiving the same results the next time, afraid of letting us down and afraid of failing. Therefore, they will learn to play it safe. We are also helping them become more other focused rather than learning to take personal responsibility for their growth.

And there was my aha moment. I can clearly see how this may have played out in my life. Well meaning adults had offered me praise for my achievements (which was nice and felt great) but I had been the kid that decided to play it safe. For very valid reasons, I emotionally needed the praise and felt the risk of criticism would be too great. So now, as an adult, I am slowly learning how to abandon my need for other-validation and express vulnerability…admit my inadequacies. I am learning how to care more about my personal growth and fixate less on what others may or may not think of me.

In the end, I cannot simultaneously live my best life and stay in my comfort zone. Whether in my career, parenting, relationships, sports or hobbies, I get a choice to continue my fear based living or push past. I might fail (a few times), but I might experience something far greater than anything I had ever hoped or imagined.

Disney’s new live-action film, Cinderella, came out in theaters this past March. The movie is visually-dazzling, reminiscent of the 1950 animated classic but with a more modern heroine and theme. If movies have mission statements, Cinderella’s is “Have courage, and be kind.” Those seem like sweet, even appropriate words. Of course we should possess both of those attributes. But, it might not be as simple as it seems. Discussions of courage and kindness may suggest separate characteristics, but throughout the movie we come to understand that in many ways they are impossibly intertwined.

We receive messages from a young age about being kind. We are taught to share our toys, invite everyone to play on the playground, don’t bully, care about others, give to those less fortunate, and on it goes. This seems fairly standard with little room for confusion. For women, the message to be courageous is a newer concept with a push in the last half century (or less) concerning the empowerment of women. For myself and many of my adult friends, our moms were being raised just as this shift in thinking was taking place. Therefore, the messages they received (and probably passed down to us) are confusing at best. There are times we are encouraged to be courageous, take a stand and/or speak up; other times the same actions will have us labeled as a ____. Often we face an implied choice, am I going to stand up for myself OR be kind and thoughtful? More specifically, am I going to choose me or you?

I enjoy the movie’s combination of the messages – courage and kindness. As our society moves toward a more uniform definition and acceptance of empowering women and young girls, it is imperative we teach our young girls how to do both simultaneously. If we continue to focus primarily on kindness and then slip in little blurbs focusing on empowerment, the message of courage and empowerment is not a solid one.

Courage, by definition, is having strength in the face of either frightening or less than ideal circumstances. We can be kind while we exhibit courage and many times it takes a lot of courage to be kind. Here are nine lessons we can model and teach our young girls that combine the two messages:

1. We can love and care for others, but we are not responsible for them or their feelings. Therefore, speaking up is not going against those we care for. And if someone speaks up for themselves, they are not necessarily in opposition to us. As long as we are respectful, we can speak up and continue to be kind.
2. We are not kind to others because they either deserve it or not. We are kind to others because of who we are and what we stand for.
3. Commit to face conflict. Many of us don’t like conflict, it is uncomfortable. Facing conflict with calmness, kindness and confidence can be a game changer. Most good relationships have learned how to do conflict well. If we are hiding our conflicts or not addressing them, we are missing opportunities for self-growth, relational growth and teaching (our kids).
4. Facing conflict takes practice. Continue practicing! Just because it is hard doesn’t mean we should give up.
5. There is a difference between conflict and bullying. Conflict is about ideas. Bullying is putting down someone’s character. We can face conflict while not condoning bullying. In our intolerance, we should not bully someone in return; rather, we can calmly decide not to deal with someone who is choosing this path of communication. If they want to interact with us, they will learn the difference.
6. If we believe in empowerment for us, then we believe in empowerment for others. Learn to be tolerate and not take it personally when others present their thoughts and ideas.
7. Being kind means being patient with others’ humanness (as we would want them to be with ours). Sometimes, when we are assertive, the initial response is not positive. It can take courage but be kind to others and allow them to correct their mistakes (if they choose).
8. Demonstrate the confidence to respectfully listen to ideas different than our own and deal with people different than us. This doesn’t mean one of us is wrong and the other right, we are simply different.
9. My life will be better off when I have the courage to admit mistakes and learn from them. Life will continue to give us lessons…it takes bravery but we keep learning.

Cinderella eventually grasped how she can be both courageous and kind. I hope to do the same. There probably won’t be a fairy tale ending or a happily ever after but if we persevere there can be rewards. The biggest reward is a journey of feeling better about myself, more confident, while having rewarding relationships with others who can also feel good about themselves. In reality, I don’t have to choose between me and others.