When I meet with a counseling client for the first time, I spend most of that time gleaning information about them, their stated problem and their goals for counseling. A common theme for many is a desire to be happy…or happier. Sometimes, that is their only goal. We all define happiness in different ways. Therefore, I have to learn what “happier” means to them. For some, happiness is communicating more effectively with their spouse and for others, happiness is letting go of past hurts.

In the end, most clients are hoping for a feeling –  an underlying sense of peace and contentment. For the sake of this article, I will call this feeling joy. Happiness and joy are interrelated yet separate. Happiness seems more momentary and is usually dependent on outside circumstances or people. Joy, on the other hand, has to do with our internal feelings of contentment. It is not dependent on others and can be long lasting. Having joy may, in fact, lead to more opportunities for happiness, but having moments of happiness doesn’t intrinsically create more joy.

Good news. We can create more joy in our lives. Below are 12 key areas to focus on when pursuing more joy:

1. Live in the moment – There is no joy in dwelling on yesterdays or worrying about tomorrows. We can learn to let go of our yesterdays and have trust for our tomorrows. When we do that, we are right here…living our today. “‘What day is it?’ ‘It’s today,’ squeaked Piglet. ‘My favorite day’, said Pooh.” – A.A. Milne
2. Notice the little things – Joy is not in the next big thing, it is in the little moments of our lives. Without care, we can find ourselves living a life of nexts…a constant search for the next big deal, relationship, house, move, holiday, project, etc. When we live like this, we are missing little moments that contain pockets of joy. The joy is there, but we have to be looking for it. Those little moments also help to give us needed perspective when we face either positive or negative circumstances in life (and there will be both). “Life is not made up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years, but of moments. You must experience each one before you can appreciate it.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach
3. Have realistic expectations – Our expectations can often lead to huge disappointments. However, expectations are not real, they are thoughts and beliefs in our minds. It is imperative we make sure any expectations we harbor are realistic. “To expect too much is to have a sentimental view of life, and this is a softness that ends in bitterness.” – Flannery O’Connor
4. Nurture relationships – Relationships are like gardens. They don’t grow unless they are fed, watered and tended to. Give your relationships your time and energy. We are relational people and we want good, healthy relationships but this doesn’t just happen. “Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” – Marvin J Ashton
5. Cultivate experiences – Many studies have shown that people gain more happiness from experiences than the accumulation of things. Unfortunately, Americans, as a society, continue to chase things and hope for more happiness. Sometimes, we even tell ourselves that more things will lead to more experiences or that we need things to have certain experiences. These may be part of our belief system but in the end, they are myths. Look for experiences, near or far, and you will be happier in the moment and finding more joy. Racking up debt or living within a financial prison does not create anything good. “Fill your life with experiences, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show.”
6. Stop consuming – We are consumers. We consume food. We consume TV. We consume social media. What if we took a break from all that consuming? A lot of what we consume is junk. It doesn’t feed us emotionally, mentally or spiritually. I have recently realized how much I have been consuming whether it be out of boredom or other negative feelings. I have been taking a conscious break from consuming in several areas of my life. What I have found is more conscious, in the moment, living. I have also realized that my habit to consume is ubiquitous and am learning to find new ways to feed myself. “Owning fewer keys opens more doors.” – Alex Morritt
7. Help someone less fortunate than yourself – What better way to put our life in perspective than helping others. This could be with a smile, an uplifting word, prayer or it could be so much more. We naturally view life egocentrically. Thinking about others gets us out of this mindset and gives more opportunities for experiencing joy. “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
8. Stop comparing – Live your life and choose to live it as well as you can. Know you are not perfect (and neither is anyone else). Have grace for yourself. Forgive yourself. Choose to learn from your mistakes and move past them.  “Comparison is the death of joy.” – Mark Twain; “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve Furtik
9. Forgive – Forgiving is one of the most challenging things humans have to do in relationships. It is not easy and the person we are forgiving, may not always be deserving of forgiveness. We don’t do it for them. Forgive for you. Forgiving allows you to set aside your bitterness and move forward freer to live your best life. “Without forgiveness life is governed by…a endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” – Roberto Assagioli
10. Create – Many people claim they are not creative. However, that is not true. We all have creativity within us. The question is – are we choosing to use it? We have to be creative in many areas of our lives including problem solving, parenting, our jobs and relationships. Intentional creativity is good for the brain. Practicing creativity could be as simple as journaling or it could be trying a new hobby or interest. “This world is but a canvas to our imaginations.” – Henry David Thoreau; “To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” – Joseph Chilton Pearce
11. Don’t take things personally – Sometimes, we need to realize that what other people say, think, believe, and do is about them. They may include us or point their words at us, but in then end, they are trying to express who they are. Try not to take it too personally. Know that you have the power to choose your own truths. Be courageous enough to listen to others (especially if you care about them), but try to also separate the views they express from who you are. You get to decide who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. Every day and in every decision, you have the power to turn the page. “Try not to take things personally. What people say to you is a reflection of them, not you.”
12. Express gratitude – I couldn’t write a post about finding joy without mentioning gratitude. This is probably the number one way to experience more joy. Find gratitude. Look for silver linings. The more you practice, you will develop a hugely beneficial skill. Experiencing more gratitude can help us get outside of ourselves, live in the moment and experience true and complete joy. “Being joyful isn’t what makes you grateful. Being grateful is what makes you joyful.” – Ann Voskamp

The Bible says a lot about joy and sometimes it is described in circumstances that don’t seem all that joyful (to me). In James 1:2 we are told to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds”. I don’t know about you, but when I am in the midst of trials it is hard to consider it joy. However, there is something about being able to be content when going through trials. When we have more joy, present circumstances are less unsettling because we can see the bigger picture. Ultimately, this life is not about the inevitable ups and downs but living out our journeys (hopefully) with a true sense of peace. Joy.