A perspective picture taken by many while visiting the leaning Tower of Pisa.

Much of my counseling work is dealing with perspectives. We all see the world through a lens, commonly called perspective. Our perspective is formed mostly by our environment. Growing up, I watched the people around me doing life and relating to myself and others. From that, I formed conclusions and those became truths for me. Further, my feelings, emotions and personality are also involved. If I am naturally a more sensitive person, I could tend to get my feelings hurt and this will factor into my conclusions about the world around me. If I am a quieter person, people may interact with me in a different way than my more outgoing counterparts. This also has the potential to change my perspective.

The only problem with having our perspective is the constant need to deal with those around us with different perspectives. Even this would be bearable, except that many of us have a high need for validation and this interferes in our accepting different points of view. So, the question becomes – how can we be in good, healthy relationships with people and their different perspectives? Rationally, we all know we have to do this – it’s part of life. Nevertheless, emotionally there seems to be a constant relationship angst (just me?) that begs to be addressed.

First of all, it is important to remember our perspective is our truth but it’s not a universal truth. This small change in our thought process can make a big difference in the outcomes of our relationships. Each of us sees the world differently. My view is not “right” while yours is “wrong”. Our views are simply different. Take a look at this picture of a FedEx truck. Recently, I heard the arrow in the FedEx logo referenced. Arrow? What arrow? At first I couldn’t see it…until I did. It had been there the whole time in the “Ex” of FedEx but I had been missing it. When I was missing it, I wasn’t wrong. I simply had a different picture of the logo.

Relationships are easy when we share the same point of view. This is why new couples work at trying to find their commonalities. Those couples will usually list their areas of similarities and compatibilities as top reasons they are a good match. This is reasonable and should be considered. But what about the inevitable divergent perspectives and expectations. More often couples split up not because of differences but rather, how they handle their differences.

It is important for us to realize the way I am viewing a problem, issue or hurt is from my lens. My partner might (and probably does) have a different viewpoint. I get to choose whether to take the different viewpoint personally or as an attack. If I go down the path of viewing my partner as the enemy, eventually I will make conclusions, label my partner and start assuming the worst about him and our relationship. What if I could view my partner as simply having a different perspective? Overall, this would make things much calmer. It would also assist with communication. Instead of listening to defend or debate, I could truly listen to my partner’s point-of-view and calmly communicate my own. This might lead to either more resolution or at the least, less marital strife. I am allowing my spouse to have his varying opinion without the need to change it. Ironically, I am more apt to eventually get genuine agreement or compromise from my spouse by respectfully calming down and listening to his point of view and trying to understand it than I am from cramming my viewpoint in his face.

This is where the issue of validation pops up. By definition, validation is providing confirmation or approval. Unfortunately, most of us are constantly looking for validation in life and it starts at an early age. We want to have friends on the playground, be accepted and liked. We want the confirmation. This isn’t bad in and of itself. In fact, it’s perfectly normal. Even as one goes through the stage of wanting to express individuality, it can usually be found within a context of being validated for being an individual. In our culture today, social media is a way to instantaneous validation. The more followers, retweets, likes, shares and pins we have  – this can all help us to feel validated and as a society we crave it.

Relationships can often come with the unspoken expectation of validation. The more you and I agree, that validates my life and the way I am living it. When we disagree, I have to question myself and my viewpoint. This can be uncomfortable. Sometimes in my quest for other validation, I forget I can validate my own opinion and allow my spouse to think differently. Instead, I work and work to convince my spouse of my perspective. I just know if he were to really get it – he would come to see the truth and realize I am right. Right?!? Maybe, but at what price to the relationship. In the end, is it more important to be right or to have a good, healthy relationship?

One of the most known and quoted Bible verses about love is in I Corinthian, chapter 13, verses 4 through 7. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This verse demonstrates that true, unconditional love is not about me. It’s not about my perspective and it’s not about your perspective. It’s definitely not about my validation. True, unconditional love is about an idea I am called to live out on a daily basis. It is about honoring the relationship we have with another being. In I John 4:8 we are told “…God is love.” This is who He is. The more we accept Him, we experience this love for ourselves and have the strength to live it out in our daily lives with those around us. And if we are looking for validation – the best place to turn is to our maker. He already tells us with His word and His son of His unconditional love. No strings attached. He is love and is already loving us.